Although you and I met only yesterday while buying dresses, I’m surprised you asked me to help you snag a man who could give you money. Just because I play tennis with men doesn’t mean I hold any sway over them. When I told you they were mostly married, you shrugged, gave me a coy smile and said you just wanted someone to take care of you. And yet you have a boyfriend, a man who is good to you, who is pursuing a Master’s degree while working. I have difficulty making sense of this.
I bought one blouse and one dress. You, my dear, took twelve, seven of which you asked the seller to hold for you. Even those you took home, you didn’t pay for. You intend to pay in installments. Why saddle yourself with debt at your age? That beautiful dress you were wearing that you said was second-hand at only ten cedis was far more beautiful than any of the ones you picked yesterday. If you didn’t go around announcing it was second-hand, no one would know.
It’s not because I’m a returnee from America that I don’t understand. In America, people buy second-hand clothes from yard sales, thrift or consignment stores too. You bet I have. Rich people have done it. But to a more pressing question: why do you need twelve dresses at a go? Don’t you know that today’s fashion will soon be replaced by another? Whom are you trying to compete with? Keeping up with your friends? The Kardarshians?
It’s true there are girls in America who become sugar babies to sugar daddies that bankroll them, though the practice isn’t as widespread as it is here in Ghana. And yes, American girls have more financial opportunities than their Ghanaian counterparts. But I did graduate from the university of Ghana. To my knowledge, neither I nor any of my close friends chose to let older men shoot their sperm into us for the sake of money.
When I was a student—yeah, roll your eyes at me—I had few clothes. I wore mostly baggy sweats and jeans. I wore eternally messy braids that begged to be redone. In spite of that, I always had the love of a guy, one who wanted all of me forever. You have that man. He may not know that you intend to betray him, but you do. Can you sleep with another man and continue to deceive your boyfriend? Is your beauty (and you are stunning!) not enough? Why do you need to keep acquiring things that won’t even last?
Let me tell you about the married man who craves a sugar baby: he will not love you. You are a sweet to be eaten. Nada más. Nothing more. You might entertain the notion that he’ll leave his wife for you. He might even promise, but he won’t. I don’t think you understand how deeply men can be attached to their wives. Even when the love wanes or turns to bitterness, something holds them to their marriage, be it the kids, family members or society. Oh, the man might be infatuated and flattered, showing off your curves to his friends, trying to resurrect his failing libido, but there’s something far deeper than physical appearance and youth that bind men to their life-partners. Chasing girls is just another sport, a hunting for trophies.
Sure, you might think you won’t get involved emotionally, but, unless you have a heart of wood, chances are you will. When you do, he’ll likely tire of you and move on to the next girl. And it will ruin your relationship with that unsuspecting fine man of yours who wants to marry you. (By the way, if you don’t care for him, do the honest thing and leave him to find someone else.) Yeah, I know, there are exceptions where a man throws off all responsibility for a young girl, but that’s rare. He’ll give you enough just enough to keep you dangling while he has it both ways, while you pine away. (Besides, why should he treat you any better when he suspects you’re in it for the money?)
Here’s the thing, it’s not entirely men’s fault for being selfish. It’s also the fault of the women who allow themselves to be used that way. Of course, there’s the scenario where a woman meets a married man and falls for him. While that carries its own headaches and ideally should be avoided, at least the relationship begins with a genuine attraction, as opposed to this mercenary, ATM-man hunting. Besides, buying clothes for a girl is roasted plantain money for men of means.
A man who cares for you will invest in your future, which involves more than money. It means him being there for you when you’re ill, when an emergency befalls you, when you need a shoulder to cry on. It means him having a stake in your ambition or life goal. You don’t want to settle for crumbs of his heart and time when you could have the reasonable whole. A man who cares for you will expect the same from you, not your crumbs.
I hope you heed my words. I hope you stop competing to wear the most expensive and latest fashion. I hope you and your man build something together, assuming there’s genuine love between you. I hope he stands by you too. I wish you nothing but happiness, and a truly fulfilling relationship. If I should bump into you again, I hope you’ll give me a genuine smile, one devoid of greed and machinations.
A fellow woman